Oh Lord, my heart hurts so. I’m watching my son move farther away from You, and pushing away those who Love him.
Lord, You know his heart better than he does. You know the heart deep within him that he shields and builds walls around. On the surface, he feels brave, and thinks of himself higher than he ought – “I’m ten feet tall and bullet proof,” he will tell me… it is what he wants others to believe, but deep inside he doesn’t believe it himself. He knows he is weak, he is missing the mark, and so he hides. He draws himself in a cave because he is scared. He is scared of what he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know Your Grace… that You have protected him and given to him, when he didn’t deserve it. And He doesn’t know Your mercy. Where You shielded him from Your wrath that he did deserve. You have done that for us all. You look ahead to the things we cannot see in front of us or during our storms, and You know that very moment of our surrender. When we fall down and bury our face in our hands, knowing we messed everything up and we need You.
Oh God, I pray for my son to get to that place! To stop trying to live life without You – which isn’t living at all. He will end up losing everything – but God I trust You, if that happens. It happened to me, and he and I are a lot alike, so I understand what goes on in our heart as we try to fix thigs ourselves. I had to mess things up so bad that I was flat on my back and I had nothing. All I could do was look up… to You. I didn’t even deserve Your help. but You finally had my whole heart. And my life has never been the same. You have blessed me beyond what I could have ever asked You for.
That’s all I want for my son. For him to give You his whole heart. THEN… he will not just exist, but truly Live. He will not cower, or hide in the darkness, he will seek You, he will trust You… he will know Your Love, and he will read Your promises and know they are for him. He will behave with kindness, he will die to self and put away his selfish desires. He will care about his family’s well-being and how his actions affect them. Oh God, I pray for his day!
Yes, it breaks my heart that he does not acknowledge me as his mother. He doesn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day or my birthday, and says, that is “just him…” but God it used to not be. He used to care. He used to love me. I call him, I text him, I reach out… I pray for him EVERY SINGLE DAY… and I won’t stop. It hurts Lord. It hurts like he’s dead. I grieve like a mother who’s son has died, only my pain is faced with the fact, that it’s his choice to not be in my life. But God, as much as this pains me… I don’t pray for his heart to change toward me as much as I pray for his heart to change toward You. Oh God, please convict his heart. Show him where his gods are, his idols… what he worships. Make him ashamed, and bring him back to You.
I remember that little boy who went to the alter to pray because he wanted to live for Jesus. He may not have understood it all then, but Lord, I know he Loved You with all his heart that day. And I know what Your word tells us… that as we train up a child to know Your ways, he will not depart from it. I know the prodigal son will return home. He will want to do things Your way one day. Lord, my fear is that while he is taking his time to realize this… that his family will suffer. They are suffering Lord. His daughter is watching him and the way he copes in life… she is picking up things he doesn’t even realize, that will become her own habits. His despondency, his disrespect, his seeking what he wants with no care about anyone else… without caring about Your will for his life.
And his wife… Lord, I know she has had bouts with depression in the past, but I have seen her grow in her faith and in wisdom over these last two years – and my son pushes her away or takes his anger out on her. She is trying Lord, but I don’t know how much longer she can take it. The loneliness, the feeling shut out, not being told things she needs to hear… to be Loved as she should be. To be cherished. I remember being in a marriage like that and it was taking the very life out of me. I am so thankful you have brought me far away from those days when I was young and naïve and living away from what You had in store for me.
My Mama prayed for me for many years, and though I never treated her with disrespect and I never ignored her, I am sure watching my life fall apart from my own actions, hurt her deeply. And so Lord, as I now am watching my child go through his own storms and the torments in his mind, as he listens to the enemy, I do what my Mama did – I give him to You, and trust You with whatever You allow to happen in order for him to wake up.
God, having a son who is a police officer, it would be scary to pray for Your will if I didn’t fully trust You… knowing that as I pray for his protection, You just may allow something to happen that will humble him in his heart. Something life changing, yet sparing his life. He may think if he dies and leaves this world in a blaze of glory, that that is the way to go… but Lord, You may allow him to live and have him go through really painful things in order for him to seek You. I pray Lord, for his soul, for his surrender, and I pray for his beautiful wife and daughter that is suffering because he withdraws, he drinks, he caves, and isn’t living with the Joy you have for him. Help him to be the man You created him to be. To be the husband and father his wife and daughter deserve. I have seen him be that man. I know it’s in him – that man is there, he is just allowing the darkness to rule his life and he isn’t grabbing his resource of power, in Your strength.
God I trust You with all this. I write this prayer out so that other mothers who pray for their son, are encouraged that they can trust Your plan. I pray if someone with PTSD, or who is an officer or in the military, sees this… they will talk to You about these very things in their own life. That they grab Your Word and see it for themselves. In the times of waiting… in the times of pain… You are there… working on our behalf.
And You win. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess… Amen.